M!ke the Odd & Insidious Outsider
December of 2016, and meditative on where I've come to, who I've helped and hurt and broken and created along the way. I've stalled on my bachelor's degree. I lost a job I had for years and years back in the summer and I'm back to the bottom rung with a new temp gig at a call center. I haven't had motivation or time for art in months, but I'd started selling designs over at http://scumhaus.threadless.com
so there's that. This year has been so painful, so many great stories ended, so many disappointments, and challenges. My oldest son is autistic, beautiful and perpetually inspiring, and I try and sometimes succeed at the advice given by a distant and now gone friend to not take things for granted...
I struggle and I disappoint myself, and I keep going. The world around me changes and stays the same and I hope for clarity and grace and humor. I shout into the void sometimes, but internalize more than not. Thirty- five years in and I still feel stuck in adolescence, with enough guilt and bruises to regret but not enough brains to let go. Maybe it'll be different in a good way in another half decade when I check back in again.
So it goes.
I have two kids now. Almost finished with my associates degree. I am tired often, but less dramatic. I don't have time to think about anything except the day ahead of me.
Sat, Apr. 30th, 2011, 05:25 am
So I got a stupid spam message on an old journal entry from 2001, and of course it was terrible and lame. So I spent AN HOUR going back and reading them.
Oh my God.
Why was I allowed to be such a fucking nerd? Also, Katie was right, shaving my head would have accentuated my pig nose and double chin so it was a totally great idea to shoot down. Thanks for that, even though you were pissed off at me for being a shitty boyfriend.
By and large, I am embarrassed by myself from the ages of 19-25. I was stupid and immature and whiny. I was a sheltered weird fat kid stretching too far. I won't delete them because of this. I need to be reminded occasionally of how far I've managed to stumble on my own.
I'm mostly better now at almost 30. Mostly. I'm not as mushy cuddly and angsty as I used to be, and I'm more cynical. I've re-appropriated my belief in the world into belief in my kid as the future Emperor of Awesome. I lack a filter for appropriate humor more than ever, apparently, as I made Anna hate my guts because I made jokes about the crazy fucking tire that shot into her windshield (but did not kill her miraculously). But people, you must understand, she fucking posted a Dane Cook joke about a tire in a face right after it happened. WHEN ELSE IN LIFE DOES DANE COOK NOT GIVE A PERSON THE RIGHT TO TELL AWFUL JOKES?!
Having a real life makes you too busy to talk about trivial shit all the time mostly, and that's the real irony. When you actually have things you can Doogie Howser MD the shit out of, you're too busy doing those things to sit down in front of your computing machine and type them up for the internets. It's a shame.
Elliott is getting so big. He's gibbering quite hilariously, and will be walking any minute. It's something else to be someone's Daddy, and of course my child is the most beautiful ever. (Sorry friends with other children.) I'm running through parenthood, work, and school and feel like I'm trying to sprint through molasses.
Elliott Michael Martin
7lbs 12oz 20in
So, it's only been about 32 weeks since I last updated this blog.
Happy Halloween, my neglected friends and acquaintances!
Quick update, I am now the president of the Moon, I have ridiculous super powers, I pretty much talk exactly like Cary Grant all of the time, and I am going to be a father at the end of February.
Okay now, one of those previous statements is true, and all the others are a lie.
For those of you who don't already know, go ahead and guess.
Hint: !dad a eb ot gniog m'I
Thu, Mar. 19th, 2009, 02:39 am
i know of a certain farm, where every july they pick the peas. what a bunch of amateurs.
i have a cancer policy do you? rent is late on the 6th, oops! call now operators are standing by, with the healing properties of the leading medical doctors in europe. surely we couldn't make such claims if we didn't have proven results! it's all right, cuz you're all of got tonight. i need you, tonight.
i don't care if you use me again, i don't care if you abuse me again, and you can make me, and you can fake me, i don't care, and you can love me just 'bout anywhere, it's all right.
men don't shave carrots well, because the kitchen scissors have been slimed, ray. don't cross the beams, ghost of easter jesus! crumb coated crust, that's a tough one.
The fever wedge of my head makes me remember the peopleplacesthings i've forgotten about.
Its all about slipping into who you were at a certain moment daysweeksmonthsyears ago and suddenly being confronted with the juxtaposition of now.
Hello MeIwas. Hello MeIam.
I'm not sure where to go with this idea, essentially I want to cry and rock back and forth and cradle all the things that have gone, give my memories a funeral procession with loud celebratory brass, and embrace the inevitable obfuscation of all that oldness, and let way be made for all that I'll end up becoming in the tomorrows.
I remember being in love with so many faces, being tripped up over people who had no idea, and more that did. The iconic points of my years defined by what type of person I was convinced I was in love with at the time.
The ones that had no interest.
The ones that got away.
The ones that I never got close to.
It's looking back over the drawing board, understanding all the missteps and mistakes, all the markouts and all the marked ups.
The kisses goodnight and goodbye, and the realization that the more things change the more they absolutely do not stay the same when it comes to the way people connect and co-relate to one another.
Do you understand? I do.
I've been so silent for such a long time, I'm not sure how to write things down honestly.
I have asked Falon to marry me.
While we're broke and in no position to put definitive timelines to everything, we are starting to take steps towards the grand unified peoples theory.
I want to live a life and have a future, be a parent and contribute a new set of troubled thinkers into the world.
I am trying to be a real person without compromising my dreamy little thoughts of fame and fortune.
We've all paired off and mated, where there used to be a world of children around me, I now recognize so many reluctant adults.
Now the question: Where the hell am I going to live out this hopeful life? Florida isn't working for me anymore.
Editors Note: All of this may change if Amy Poehler decides she wants me instead of that Will Arnett guy. Barring that, I will hopefully not offend any so greatly that they won't come see me override someones last name in a year or two.
Sun, Mar. 2nd, 2008, 10:13 am
Wed, Sep. 26th, 2007, 03:15 pm
Thank you for calling *** Roadside Assistance, how may I help you?
For eight hours a day, five days a week, that is how I answer a telephone every five minutes or so. Does that even make sense?
I troubleshoot car problems for people, dispatch tow trucks and asundry people to assist with tire changes, battery boosts, fuel delivery or just plain tows to dealerships. It's bizarre to me, all of that.
Lately I've been dreaming about the past, different friends and non-friends interacting the most mundane and typical fashions of years gone by and I wonder if this is what it will be like if I'm lucky enough to grow old and frail, dreams of the dead and reclusive, conjured back to present tense by the sneaky machinations of an unconscious mind?
Our lease is up the first week of December, and we need to locate a new apartment/house to rent within our budget restraints. Does anyone know of reasonably priced rental housing in East Orlando, Winter Park, Altamonte Springs, Apopka area? Please let me know.